***PLEASE NOTE: THIS STORY CONTAINS SLASH AND MAY NOT BE APPROPRIATE FOR ALL READERS!***
Pippin heard the click of Merry closing up his reading glasses and then felt him leaning across to put them on the bedside table with his book. <<Finally!>> Pippin thought impatiently, opening his eyes just in time to see Merry turn off the light, plunging the dorm room into darkness.
Pippin rolled over so that he could face Merry and nuzzled against his chest. But instead of welcoming him with open arms, Pippin could feel Merry instantly tense up at his touch.
"Not tonight, Pippin," Merry said almost coldly, pulling away. "I'm tired."
"So am I," Pippin said, trying not to let the hurt sound in his voice. "But I waited up for you." <<Unlike YOU,>> Pippin thought, recalling his disappointment last night when he'd returned home late from orchestra to find Merry already asleep.
"Well, I appreciate you waiting up, Pip, but I'm just too tired tonight." And Merry rolled over, turning his back to Pippin.
<<You were too tired Tuesday night, too,>> Pippin thought bitterly, but he didn't say it aloud. He didn't want to start a fight -- he just wanted Merry to hold him. "We don't have to DO anything -- I just wanna fall asleep in your arms." When Merry didn't respond, Pippin added, "Please, Merry? I've really missed you this week."
The dark room descended into a momentary silence. But finally Merry sighed, and Pippin knew that he'd won. Merry rolled over and took Pippin into his arms, Pippin snuggling tight against his lover's bare chest.
"That's better," Pippin murmured, warm and content.
"It is," Merry agreed, squeezing Pippin tight. "G'night, Pip."
"G'night, Merry. Love you."
Merry merely mumbled a sleepy affirmative.
After several minutes of silence, Pippin asked, "Merry?"
"Hmmm?"
"Don't you love me?"
"Mmm-hmm," Merry mumbled, hugging Pippin closer.
But this wasn't the answer Pippin wanted, and he pulled away. "That's not an answer, Mer."
Merry sighed. "You know I do, Pip. I'm just tired. I need to sleep."
Pippin nodded reluctantly and nuzzled back against Merry's chest. But he couldn't stop thinking about it, so finally he asked, "Why won't you say it?"
Merry yawned as he answered, "Say what?"
"That you love me."
"Mmm, yes -- I love you, Pip," Merry murmured sleepily, hugging Pippin close.
"Not like that," Pippin asked, again pulling back and looking intently into his lover's face, illuminated only by the dull green glow of the clock radio. "Why won't you say it anymore like you used to?"
Pippin felt Merry sigh frustratedly. "Do we have to discuss this NOW, Pippin?" he asked, fighting back another yawn. "Can't this wait till morning?"
But Pippin shook his head, his curls bobbing. "You used to say it all the time, Mer. This summer you'd tell me you loved me six or seven times a day -- when we were working on the dock or eating lunch or curling up close together in Crickhollow. But now I can barely get you to say it at all, even when we're in bed together."
Merry didn't answer for a moment, and Pippin worried that Merry was mad. Or perhaps asleep. But finally, after a painfully long silence, Merry sighed and propped himself up on his elbow, suddenly sounding wide awake. "I do love you, Pip. I have for a long time, and I don't see that ever changing. But you should know that just because I don't say it all the time doesn't mean that I love you any less."
"But why don't you say it?"
"Because we're not alone at the river anymore, Pip. This summer...was perfect. When it was just the two of us, we could say and do whatever we wanted. But now we're back at school, and there's other people to consider -- there's GRISHNAKH to consider."
"I don't care about Grishnakh -- he's not HERE. And it's not just him, either -- you won't even say it in front of our friends. Frodo knows we're together -- he's seen us kiss and stuff -- yet you won't even say it in front of him."
Merry sighed frustratedly, flopping his head back down upon the pillow. "We agreed when we came back to school that we'd try to be discreet about things, about US."
"But if Frodo already knows, then what's the point of being discreet? And there's no need to be discreet when we're ALONE, yet you still won't say it."
"They're just WORDS, Pippin. They don't really mean anything."
"Yes they do," Pippin insisted. "And it's not just the words, either. We used to touch each other all the time, even before we were a couple -- we'd hold hands or link elbows or walk with our arms around each other. But now it's as if I have cooties or something -- you shy away at the merest touch, even if it's just our elbows brushing accidentally in class. And that was true even BEFORE our little run-in with Grishnakh, but now it's gotten worse. Do you realize we haven't even KISSED since then?"
Merry didn't answer, and Pippin lay there in the darkness, feeling the rise and fall of each of Merry's breaths. Finally, Pippin grew too frightened of the silence. "I MISS you, Merry. And not just in bed. I miss your touch." And Pippin fumbled about in the darkness until his hand found Merry's. He took it and brought it to his face, nuzzling his soft cheek against Merry's rough hand.
Pippin had so longed for Merry's touch, THIS kind of touch, that he didn't even notice that the room had descended into silence again. Finally it was Merry who broke it. "Pip," he said, keeping his hand against Pippin's cheek long after Pippin's hand had fallen away. "I know that I love you, and I think deep down you know that, too. But admitting that to other people is complicated, Pip, and not just because of the cohabitation rule. And...and I don't think I'm ready for that just yet. I'm too worried about what people will say."
"*I* only worry about what YOU say," Pippin said, "and I worry when you don't say it."
After a pause, Merry tenderly began to stroke Pippin's cheek with his thumb. "I'm sorry, Pip. I guess...." He sighed. "I didn't know you felt that way."
Pippin smiled at his friend's apology, turning his head slightly to kiss Merry's palm.
"I'll try to be better," Merry continued, "but I'm not making any promises." Pippin's face must've conveyed the hurt he felt for Merry quickly explained, "In public, I mean. I just don't think I'm at the point yet where I can show you -- or even TELL you -- how I feel when we're in public, especially in front of people who don't know us, people who might not understand. But I'll try to be better at letting you know how I feel when we're alone." Pippin finally relaxed a bit, again turning his head to gently kiss Merry's palm. "In fact, I PROMISE I'll be better."
Pippin smiled tentatively at Merry through the darkness, feeling like he'd won a small victory. "You promise?"
Merry nodded. "I promise. Because I love you, Peregrin Took."
Pippin felt his worries and concerns melt away with those three little words. They were exactly what he'd needed to hear, especially because he could tell that Merry really meant them. Pippin nuzzled against Merry's chest, contented.
"Again," he mumbled sleepily, closing his eyes.
"'Again' what?"
Pippin could almost picture Merry's forehead crinkled in confusion -- Merry could be so dense sometimes. "Say it again," he encouraged.
"'I love you, Pip'?"
"Yes," Pippin said, grinning at the sound of it. "Again."
Pippin could feel Merry's chest shake with amusement. "You sound like Poppy."
Pipplin smiled -- Merry was right, he DID sound like his niece, especially when she wanted to be spun around in a circle for the thousandth time in a row. "And you never can say no to her either," Pippin teased, snuggling closer.
"You're right about that," Merry said, wrapping his arms tightly around Pippin. "I love you, Pippin."
"Again."
Merry laughed. "You're not gonna do this all night, are you, Pip?"
"Nope," Pippin mumbled through a yawn. "Just till I fall asleep."
Merry sighed before repeating, "I love you, Pip."
"'Gain."
And although Merry did repeat it several more times into the darkness, Pippin didn't hear -- he'd already fallen asleep, feeling warm and comforted in Merry's loving arms.
***
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