Weeks had passed since the Council of Elrond, and the fellowship was getting anxious to leave Rivendell. Elrond spent his days strategizing with Gandalf and instructing Frodo (with Sam always along to help his master), but the others were growing weary with restlessness. After all, there were only so many times one could sharpen one's sword or practice one's archery before it grew old.
And Merry and Pippin were suffering the most. Rivendell had not yet discovered the joys of cable, so the young hobbits had been reduced to watching elven soap operas.
One day, as the credits began to roll, Merry slammed his hand down on the bed frustratedly. "I can't stand it anymore."
"Don't worry, Merry," Pippin tried cheering his cousin. "I'm sure Ladrim will figure out his evil twin has returned."
Merry sighed, rolling his eyes. "I don't mean the SHOW, Pip. I mean US. We've been chosen to go on this quest to perform this great deed, yet here we sit, our minds rotting away, watching evil twins and forbidden loves."
Pippin grinned, his eyes open wide with excitement. "Someone has a forbidden love?! Who, Merry? Is it Boromir? He seems the type."
Merry didn't answer as he crawled off the bed and headed out of the room.
"Is it YOU, Merry?" Pip called after him. "I saw you giving Radigil a look last night...."
Merry found Strider hidden away in his quarters, contemplating the quest. Or at least it appeared that way. But Merry could've sworn the TV was still warm, and he was tempted to ask Strider's opinion on Ladrim and his evil twin.
But Merry had a more serious question.
"When are we leaving?"
Strider stared at the halfling blankly. "I beg your pardon?"
"Us. The fellowship. When are we leaving for Mordor?"
Strider heard the impatience in Merry's voice and smiled -- he was starting to feel the same way himself. "I don't know when we'll begin. Things still need to be worked out."
"WHAT things?" Merry demanded. "We've been told nothing. And we never even SEE Frodo or Gandalf anymore. What's going on?"
Strider sighed. Merry was right -- communication with the fellowship WAS lacking. And whilst Elrond had emailed him almost every day PRIOR to the Council, Strider had barely heard from him since the fellowship was formed. "That's something that only Lord Elrond can answer, Master Brandybuck. But perhaps you're right, and we should try to find out more from him."
Strider knew that it'd be difficult to get Elrond to meet with them in person, so he added, "At the very least, a conference call would be nice."
Merry nodded, his anger appeased. "I'd appreciate that."
Strider nodded back. "I'll see what I can arrange."
***
Two days later, a motley crew gathered in Legolas's quarters (as his quarters were the largest and the tidiest, him being an elf!) Only six of the fellowship members were present, with Gandalf, Frodo, and Sam conspicuously absent. The speaker-phone sat on the edge of the bed, and Aragorn and Gimli were poised on the settee nearby. Boromir sat on the bed, leaning against the headboard with his legs stretched out in front of him. The two younger hobbits crawled up onto the bed next to the Gondorian, Pippin dragging a large book with him.
"What is that, Pippin?" Merry asked, looking at the heavy volume.
"I found it in the library," Pip answered excitedly, hauling the tome onto his lap. "It's an accounting of everything that's ever happened on 'As the Leaves Turn'!"
Merry rolled his eyes -- it was clear they needed to get away from Rivendell, and FAST!
"What time is Lord Elrond calling?" Gimli asked, feeling very uncomfortable in the elf's fastidious room.
"I told him we'd all be assembled by 7:30," Aragorn explained.
"We should determine, then," Legolas said, standing by the foot of the bed, "who of us is here."
Everyone looked at the elf as if he'd suddenly turned into an idiot.
"I'm amazed," Gimli teased, staring at Legolas's dark eyebrows, "you really ARE a natural blonde."
Legolas scowled, annoyed. "I'M aware that we're all here," he explained, "but Elrond isn't. Six people all talking at once on the speaker-phone might get a bit overwhelming."
Aragorn nodded. "Legolas is right," he said (not realizing that this was the last time he'd actually listen to the elf for the entire quest.) "Perhaps we should only have one representative from each race speak."
All eyes turned to Boromir, who frowned. "I get the hint," he said angrily. "I shall not speak, as I know you, Aragorn, have a special connection with Lord Elrond."
Legolas nodded, turning back towards his friend. "Which is exactly why YOU, Aragorn, should be the silent one, " he said pointedly. "As you require something from him, you may not feel free to speak your mind."
Aragorn replied something in Elvish, and a heated argument ensued.
As the two big folk continued to quarrel, Merry turned to Boromir and whispered, "What does Strider require from Lord Elrond?"
Boromir looked down at the curly head next to him and cryptically answered, "His permission."
The argument winded down, and Aragorn pronounced, "Boromir shall represent the race of men." Strider then turned to the two halflings, asking, "And which of you shall represent the hobbits?"
As if on cue, Pippin suddenly burst into hysterical laughter. "Merry, you'll never believe this! Ladrim not only has an evil twin -- he has evil TRIPLETS!"
As Pippin went back to his reading, continuing to laugh, Boromir turned to Merry. "I guess YOU should be the hobbit representative, Mr. Brandybuck."
But Merry shook his head. "Frodo is the REAL representative -- we are only on the quest because of him. I think it best that neither of us speak during the call." He then elbowed his cousin, who was laughing aloud again.
"If you have concerns that you want discussed with Lord Elrond," Gimli said to Merry, "you can write them down for us."
Boromir added sheepishly, "I fear it has been so long, I don't remember much of my Common Tongue letters."
"Then I'll draw pictures," Merry said, "if I think of anything."
Aragorn nodded. "Then we are ready."
***
"What time was he supposed to call again?" Boromir asked groggily. He had dozed off, lying against the headboard, and had awoken to hilarious laughter from the halflings.
"I told him 7:30," Aragorn said, looking at the clock that was hanging on the wall (or was it a tree -- it was often hard to tell the difference when it came to elven architecture).
"For someone claiming to be so old and so wise," Gimli grumbled, "you'd think he could tell time."
Legolas, who was leaning lazily against another such wall/tree, murmured, "Elves live by the turning of the leaves, not by the ticking of the clock."
Pippin elbowed his cousin and pointed to the book that was spread across their laps. "Did you hear that, Merry? 'As the Leaves Turn'!"
"Shh, Pippin, read your book," Merry said, turning the page so that he could read more about Caledir's amnesia.
"So then why is it, Master Elf," Gimli needled, "that I often see YOU looking at your left wrist at regular intervals?"
The merest hint of a blush crept across the fair elf's face. "Unlike our Rivendell brethren, the Mirkwood elves place a high value on punctuality." And Legolas unconsciously pulled his gauntlet back to read his watch yet again.
As if on cue, the speaker-phone suddenly rang, causing everyone to jump. Legolas gracefully leapt to the phone in a single bound, hitting the button and politely answering into the speaker, "Hello."
After a short pause, a voice clearly reading from a script said mechanically, "Yes, may I speak to...Aragomm, son of...Aratorn?"
The group shared amused looks.
Glancing at his friend, Legolas said, "I'm sorry, he's not here right now. May I take a message?"
"Just tell him that Nalimir from the Elf Activities League called, and I'll call him back." And the call abruptly ended.
Aragorn shook his head. "How did I get back on their list? I haven't given them money in over a decade."
"And how did they get this number?" Legolas asked, staring blankly at the phone.
"More importantly," Boromir said, "are we sure that Lord Elrond has this number?"
Aragorn nodded "It's the number I gave him."
Gimli growled impatiently, "So why doesn't the bloody elf call?"
And although Legolas was feeling just as impatient, he did not like hearing one of his brethren so disparaged, so he glared down at the dwarf.
Luckily, the animosity between them couldn't linger with peals of Pippin's cheerful laughter breaking the silence.
"Look at THIS, Merry," said Pippin, giggling as he pointed in the book. "Apparently Hadomir and Gilmas had a SECRET AFFAIR."
Legolas nodded casually. "It wasn't until much later that they discovered they were actually brothers."
"Brothers?! Really?!" Pippin asked, excitedly flipping forward in the book so he could read more about it.
The remainder of the group shot the elf strange glances.
"YOU watch 'As the Leaves Turn'?" Merry asked, suddenly gaining new respect for the reserved elf.
Legolas shrugged. "I've seen the odd episode."
Aragorn snorted, and Merry saw the threatening look that Legolas shot him -- Merry realized he'd been right about Strider's warm TV the other day and made a note to himself that later he must ask the Ranger's opinion about Ladrim's evil twin.
Boromir smiled, having caught the look as well. "It sounds intriguing. Perhaps I should try watching it."
"Oh, you should," Pippin said, leaning over his cousin to answer Boromir. "It's brilliant. And it won't take you long to get caught up."
"Hopefully we won't HAVE long," Legolas said, checking his gauntlet-hidden watch again.
Gimli nodded. "We need to get Lord Elrond to tell us his plans for us. And we need SPECIFIC plans, too, not this elven 'You will know when you are ready' nonsense."
"Yes," Aragorn agreed. "And you need to find out what we should be doing and packing to get ready. I fear this waiting around is starting to take its toll." And Aragorn looked meaningfully at the two giggling hobbits.
Merry tore his eyes away from the book (and Pippin's giggling) to say, "I just remembered -- we'll need paper, if we're to communicate silently during the call."
Legolas nodded and wandered into the next room, reemerging a few seconds later with pens and two notepads, one of which he handed to Merry and the other to Aragorn. "Anything else you require?"
"Do you have any apples?" Pippin asked, always hungry.
Before the elf could answer, the phone began to ring.
Legolas shot everyone a meaningful look and then hit the button on the speaker-phone. "Hello?"
"Maer du, Legolas," Elrond's baritone filled the room. "Le iest pedo an enni."
"Thenid. Ped u edhellen," the elf said, glancing around the room at his friends, "for Boromir and Gimli are here with me."
Pippin looked up from his book and was about to mention his own presence in the room when Merry slapped his hand over his cousin's mouth and glared disapprovingly at him.
"Good evening, Lord Elrond," Boromir said, making his presence known as he smiled at the two hobbits.
"Yes, hello," Gimli grumbled.
"Oh, how nice that you're all together," Elrond said, though his voice didn't sound overly thrilled. "It's good to hear from you, Master Dwarf; Boromir. I'm glad to get a chance to talk to all of you at one time, as I have had a difficult time trying to contact you each individually."
Everyone in the room shared silent looks -- as far as they knew, Lord Elrond hadn't attempted to talk to ANY of them.
The silence lasted a bit too long, for Elrond asked, "Hello? Can you hear me?"
"Yes, we can hear you," Legolas said quickly, hoping Elrond wouldn't suspect anything.
Luckily, the elf lord was so self-absorbed, he was oblivious to their thoughts.
"I'm on my mobile," Elrond continued, "and it tends to cut out. So I apologize now if we get disconnected."
Gimli rolled his eyes. "Yes, yes, whatever. We are not here to discuss your cellphone, we are here to discuss our quest."
Legolas glared at the impatient dwarf.
"Master Gimli is right," Boromir cut in. "Even now, the borders of Gondor are being overrun with Sauron's forces -- it is imperative we begin on our quest with all due haste."
"Yes," Legolas added, trying to smooth over what his companions had said, "we are ALL anxious to begin. What information can you give us regarding when we should set out?"
A small giggle escaped from Pippin, who was more engrossed in his book than in the conversation at hand, and Merry quickly squelched it, afraid that Lord Elrond would hear. But even an elf's ears couldn't pick up such soft sounds once they were carried through speaker-phones and mobiles.
Elrond replied to Legolas, "I'm not entirely certain when your quest shall begin. You will know when you are ready."
Gimli grumbled something under his breath, causing Aragorn to chuckle softly.
"I have been holding daily conferences with Gandalf in order to make all the arrangements," Elrond continued. "And, of course, the Ringbearer must be prepared for the task ahead."
"Yes," Boromir said, "the halfling must understand the dangers that lie before him. Being a peaceful race, I don't think the hobbits fully comprehend the dire circumstances that my people now face, or those that all of Middle Earth shall face if he should fail."
Merry shot Boromir a silent yet deadly look, pointing to himself to indicate that HE certainly understood the peril that lay before them.
"That is why the fellowship remains here in Rivendell," Elrond explained. "Gandalf and I feel that the Ringbearer must be apprised of everything before setting out, and the halfling has much to learn. Yet he is a quick study, and I'm certain that his preparations shall not last indefinitely."
"I should hope not," Gimli grumbled. "For we don't have indefinitely to wait."
Aragorn held up a sheet of paper for Legolas with "Lend a estolad?" written upon it.
"Yes," Legolas said, reading the paper. "You speak of Frodo's preparations. But while we do linger here, Lord Elrond, what should WE be preparing for our journey? Surely now is the time to collect what we shall need for our future travels and encampments."
"Yes, now is the time," Elrond said serenely. "You must put in order all that may be required of you upon your travels. And remember: the Ringbearer has not time to prepare such trivialities as he shall need on his journey, so you must make ready for his needs as well."
Merry meanwhile had been drawing a picture on his paper, and he now held it up. It was a simple drawing of a tree with a high branch, upon which sat two stick figures, one large and one small, with a ring hanging around the neck of the smaller. The assembled fellowship all smiled, trying to conceal their laughter.
"But what sorts of things shall we be packing?" Gimli grumbled, feeling like they were not getting any useful information from this call. "We do not even know which paths we shall be taking."
"Then you must prepare for ALL paths, Master Dwarf," Elrond answered.
Boromir noticed that Gimli was getting angrier by the minute, so he quickly interjected, "Yet surely you must have some sort of plan. Why else would you be conferring with Gandalf daily if you were not discussing strategies and maps?"
"Gandalf and I are both extremely busy," Lord Elrond said, "and have barely time to say a quick hello. My current duties here in Rivendell preclude me from spending idle hours discussing paths and ways."
The fellowship all shared confused looks. They had all heard Lord Elrond say earlier that he'd been meeting with Gandalf daily, so why the sudden change of story?
"Then should WE be studying the maps?" Legolas asked, having already memorized several routes to Mordor and back.
"That's not necessary," Elrond said. "Gandalf has the matter well in hand. The others in the fellowship should concentrate on gathering their strength for the journey ahead."
"Our strength is well-gathered," Gimli said irritably. "But our gear is not. We should be preparing our packs, not idly resting."
"I whole-heartedly agree, Master Dwarf," Lord Elrond said. "Preparing for your journey is your number one task, as preparing the Ringbearer for his is mine."
"As part of his preparations, then," said Boromir, who was getting confused and annoyed by Elrond's contradictory statements, "should you not be preparing a route by which we may travel the swiftest and safest?"
"I am very busy right now," Elrond said; if it weren't for his serene baritone voice, it would've sounded like whining. "My wife has just left for the Gray Havens, and I am left to run our household as well as all of Rivendell. And tending to my fanciful daughter takes all the patience I have."
Aragorn got huffy at this statement and was about say something when a quick glare from Legolas silenced him.
"So," Boromir said, trying to summarize, "you're preparing Frodo for the journey, but you're not preparing the journey itself?"
The frustration could be seen on everyone's face. And as Elrond began to answer in further contradictory statements, Merry stood up upon the bed, turning his bottom to the group and making hand-puppet motions in front of it. The entire fellowship burst into laughter, which was a great release after all the pent up frustration they were all feeling towards this conversation, so it took all the strength they had not to make too much noise. As they finally collected themselves again, they could hear Elrond droning on.
"...and I'll discuss it with Gandalf tomorrow," Elrond finished.
Although the laughter had been a good release, Gimli's patience was gone. "You're preparing Frodo, you're not; you're making plans, you're not; you're conferring with Gandalf, you're not -- how are we to know what to do when you contradict yourself at every turn? Give us a straight answer for once."
"Tarlanc nogoth," Lord Elrond spoke in his native tongue; and although the others did not necessarily speak the language, his message was crystal clear.
Aragorn, who DID recognize what Elrond was calling Gimli, quickly silenced the dwarf before he could talk back.
"Altarlanc -- beren a maen!" Legolas shot back angrily, his eyes gleaming with anger in the dull light of the room. And if Gimli had known that the elf was coming to his defense, calling him bold and clever, perhaps their rivalry would've softened a bit. "Gimli is right -- we must know what is going on if we are to be ready in time!"
Suddenly, a ring pealed through the air, and Aragorn hurriedly tried to remove his mobile from his traveling pack. Pulling it out, he could see by the caller-ID that it was Arwen calling. Aragorn cursed her lack of timing under his breath as he quickly answered the phone and hurried off into the other room so that he could speak to her.
Luckily, Lord Elrond remained oblivious. "I understand your concerns, Legolas. I shall discuss them with Gandalf tomorrow, and we can let you know then what our plans are."
"Thank you," Boromir said, trying to sound polite. "We appreciate your calling us."
"Yes, thank you," Legolas said, sounding more like his serene self again. "Please let us know what you find out."
"I will," Elrond said. "Maer du."
And Elrond hung up just in time as Pippin burst forth in hysterical laughter, reading aloud, "'In the three-hundred-and-fourth season, Hadomir was in a tragic accident and lost his elfhood'!"
The sudden random statement made everyone look from Pippin to Legolas, who merely explained, "His elfhood was his ears -- they were disfigured in an archery accident."
Aragorn's voice could now be heard in the other room: "Yes, dear...yes, dear...I know you have to ask your Daddy first, but don't you think--yes, dear...."
"I don't know about you all," Boromir said, starting to stand up, "but I'm up for a soak in the hot springs."
Merry nodded, jumping down from the bed. "And we can try to interpret what, if any, information Elrond actually gave to us."
"In other words," Legolas said, grabbing a stack full of towels and leading the way to the door, "we're in for a glorious bitch session."
THE END
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