"Are we there yet?" Elijah whined from the backseat of the convertible.
"We would be," Dom said, turning towards the backseat, "if Bill weren't driving."
"I can't go faster than the car in front of me, now can I?" Billy said, slamming on the brakes again, causing his companions to lurch forward for the umpteenth time.
"No," Dom agreed, "but if you had listened to MY suggestion, we wouldn't even be ON this road."
"No, we'd be lost in the hills somewhere," Billy pointed out, "running out of petrol, getting stranded..."
"Having to search out Treebeard for a lift," Elijah teased.
"Exactly," Billy said. "So it's all for the best that we're stuck in this jam."
"Definitely the best!" Orlando said enthusiastically. "This is gonna be so much fun! I love hanging out with you guys! And I haven't been surfing in, like, FOREVER!"
Elijah smiled. "Orli translation -- one week."
"No," Orlando said defensively, grinning. "It's been at least four weeks." He thought a moment. "Or maybe three."
"Three weeks," Dom said straight-faced. "Are you sure you remember how?"
Orlando laughed and threw his arms around his friend in the seat in front of him. "I love you guys, man. I've missed you."
"Yeah. Me, too," Elijah agreed. "The comedy stylings of Billy and Dom -- the hottest ticket in L.A."
"Not among the teen set," Billy pointed out, lurching the car forward awkwardly. "I hear Orlando's the new 'It' boy."
"'It' ELF, to be exact," Elijah corrected.
"The hottest thing since Brad Pitt," Billy teased.
"Yeah," Dom said, "I'm surprised Brad agreed to do a film with you -- you'd think he'd be afraid of being upstaged by the up-and-comer."
Orlando shrugged. "I'm the baddie -- I start the Trojan War."
"Girls dig baddies," Dom countered. "Take Billy, for example."
Billy giggled. "Yeah, bad to the core."
"Bad DRIVER to the core," Dom teased, and Billy playfully hit his friend.
"I wonder what the hold-up is," Elijah said as he hurtled forward due to Billy's braking once again.
Orlando stood up from his seat in the convertible, straining his eyes to look down the freeway.
"Careful!" Elijah cried, grabbing ahold of his clumsy friend's legs, afraid the next sudden stop would send him tumbling.
"'What do your elf eyes see?'" asked Dom in his best Viggo.
"There's some sort of fire," Orlando said, still staring intensely into the distance.
Elijah looked up at his friend, surprised. "Amazing -- he really DOES have elf eyes. I can't even see any smoke."
"Neither can he," Dom said, pointing to the fire engines that were just now passing them on the shoulder.
Orlando shrugged and sat back down. "Looks like we'll be here awhile."
Billy sighed. "And I'm getting hungry."
Dom smiled. "It looks like everyone's reverting to character. Careful, 'Lij, or soon you'll start fondling jewelry."
"Yeah," Elijah teased back, "and you'll get bonked on the head."
"That's be a change," Billy teased. "Dom hasn't been bonked in forever."
"Hey, we weren't talking about MY love life," Dom corrected, "we were talking about Orlando's." Dom turned in his seat to face his friend. "So how IS Viggo?"
Orlando laughed, shaking his head. "I can't believe you -- you guys are so mean."
"Dude, you mention him in every article," Elijah pointed out.
"EVERY article," Billy agreed. "When there's no NEED to be mentioning him."
"'So, Orlando,'" Dom asked in his best reporter voice, "'tell the teen girls out there, what's your favourite food?' 'Well, I like fish. You know, VIGGO is a fisherman."
Orli continued laughing, blushing red. "I'm not that bad."
"You are, man," Dom said.
"Totally!" Elijah agreed.
"You're crushing worse than all your teen fans," Billy pointed out.
"I do NOT have a crush," Orlando said. "Viggo and I are just good mates."
"MATES, eh?" Dom said, raising an eyebrow.
"FRIENDS!" Orli corrected. "Viggo is just a super cool person to hang out with."
"So are WE," said Billy, "but I don't see you mentioning US all the time."
"And do you notice," Dom pointed out, "how his voice changes when he says his name?"
Elijah clasped his hands together, batted his eyelashes, and crooned, "Ohhhh, Viggo!"
Orlando playfully lunged at the younger boy, pinning him to the car seat.
"Careful," Dom said, "you'll make Viggo jealous."
Orli let go of Elijah and, still laughing, sat back up, throwing his hands up in surrender. "All right, mate. I give up. Take your best shot."
The car grew silent, the only sound the idling engine and the distant wail of the fire sirens.
"Well, THAT'S no good," Dom said, turning to face front and crossing his arms in a pout. "It's no FUN if you don't fight back."
Orli grinned, an evil glint in his eyes, as he seized his opportunity to get back. "That's not what BILLY says."
"Huh?" Billy glanced back, confused -- he'd been too preoccupied with the traffic to understand the remark.
But Elijah got it. "Yeah, you two. How's that 'buddy' movie of yours coming along?"
Billy didn't catch the innuendo. "Oh, it's coming along great -- we've mostly finished the script, and we're gonna start shopping it around."
"That's not what they mean, Bill," Dom said. "They're teasing us about our 'relationship'."
Billy looked at Dom, a blank Pippin look on his face. "What relationship?"
"Exactly," Dom said as if it settled the matter.
"'If Billy were a woman, I'd marry him today,'" Elijah quoted. "Isn't that what you said?"
Orli nodded. "And what the fuck are you talking about his philtrum for? Who even knows what a philtrum IS, let alone notices one?"
Billy glowered sidelong at Dom. "Are you staring at my philtrum again?"
Dom nodded, straight-faced. "You know I can't take my eyes off of it."
Orlando laughed. "Exactly. Everyone can tell you much you two love each other."
"Then I guess we don't have to hide it anymore," Dom said deadpan, and then, in one swift motion, unbuckled his seatbelt, leaned over, and planted a melodramatic kiss on Billy's lips.
Orlando and Elijah collapsed with laughter in the backseat, but Billy was not quite so amused.
"Ooh, gross! Dom! Get off!" Billy pushed Dom back to the passenger seat as he wiped his mouth off with the back of his hand. "Have you gone potty? The rumours are bad enough as it is. What if someone were to see?"
"Someone already DID see," Elijah said, pointing to the car of giggling girls parked behind them in traffic.
"Oh, great," said Billy sarcastically, adjusting the rearview mirror so he could see the girls. "And they're cute, too. Now you've ruined it."
Dom looked at his friend skeptically. "You mean to tell me you were planning to have a relationship with a girl you met in a traffic jam?"
Elijah corrected, "Technically he hasn't even MET them yet."
"But I might have," Billy said. "And now when I meet them they'll say, 'hey, aren't you the poncy git who kissed his mate in the car in front of us?'"
"Then I'll go set them straight," Orli said. And before the boys realized what he was doing, Orlando had hopped out of the convertible and was running back to the girls' car.
"What're you doing?!" Elijah yelled after him.
"No wonder he's always breaking bones," Dom said. "He's clearly insane."
The boys watched as Orli ran over to the passenger window and started chatting up the girls, pointing periodically at the convertible.
Billy shook his head, red with embarrassment, as he watched the show through the mirror. "I can't believe he's doing this."
"Why not?" Elijah asked. "It's Orli!"
"It's what he does best," Dom agreed.
"Oh no!" Billy exclaimed, a note of panic in his voice as he suddenly sat up straight. "The traffic's moving!"
"What?!" Elijah and Dom both turned towards the front.
"It's moving!" Billy repeated. "What're we going to do?!"
"Orli, get in the car!" Dom yelled back at their friend.
"The traffic's moving!" yelled Elijah.
Orli looked up from his conversation with the girls, slightly confused.
"C'mon!" Elijah yelled, gesturing for him to hurry.
The car in front of them was getting further and further away, and suddenly a car behind the girls sounded his horn impatiently.
"What should I do?!" Billy asked, panic-stricken.
"Just drive slowly," Dom said calmly as Elijah continued to yell from the backseat.
As Billy started to pull slowly forward, Orli finally figured out what all the yelling was about and started running after the car.
"Here he comes," Dom told Billy as Orli ran towards them, hollering, "Wait for me!" He sprinted alongside the convertible and then threw himself over the side, landing in a clumsy mess atop Elijah.
"Have you never heard of a DOOR?" Elijah asked as he untangled himself from Orlando's lanky limbs.
"Have you never heard of WAITING?" Orli asked, out of breath, as he sat up.
"The traffic was moving," Billy said, glancing back at his friend to make sure he'd actually made it back in one piece. But as Billy turned back around, he saw that the car that had been a good distance in front of him was suddenly stopped mere meters away. Billy slammed on the brakes, almost making Orli tumble into the front seat.
"Next time we don't let the Scot drive," Orli mumbled, rubbing his sore shoulder.
Dom shook his head. "Next time we don't let the Southerner go running about outside the car."
"I was defending Billy's honour," Orli protested.
"Yeah," Elijah said skeptically, "and the fact that the girls were CUTE had nothing to do with it."
Orli grinned. "Nothing at all."
Dom turned to his friend. "So how EXACTLY were you defending his honour?"
"I was telling them what great guy Billy is," Orli explained. "And I told them that you'd kissed him for a lark, but Billy really loves girls."
"Absofuckinglutely," Billy cheered.
Orli leaned forward and patted Billy on the shoulder. "And I think they really dug you, mate, because I explained how you're smart and cute and sweet and funny..."
"And hairy," Dom added.
Billy smiled. "Ooh, hairy -- I like that." Billy puffed up his chest like a superhero. "It makes me sound manly."
Elijah laughed. "Manly...and four-foot-two."
"Hey, watch it, Boy Wonder," Billy said, scowling at Elijah's reflection in the rearview mirror. "You're no bigger."
Dom held his hand like a phone receiver, holding it first to his ear and then pretending to hand it to Billy: "Pot? It's the kettle."
"Ooh, yes!" Orli said excitedly as a thought came to him. "THAT'S what we can do to pass the time!"
Crickets chirped as the car suddenly grew silent.
Finally, Billy asked, "Ring up the pot?"
"Or be short?" Elijah asked.
Dom quickly added, "Because we pretty much do that all the time."
"No," Orli said, rolling his eyes. "Let's ring people on my mobile and mess with them."
Elijah understood. "You mean like prank calls?"
"Exactly!" Orli said, searching through his bag of surf gear for his cellphone. "It'll be a great way to pass the time."
Dom nodded. "Certainly better than you jumping out of the car and accosting stray girls."
Orli found the phone and held it up. "Voila. So who's first?"
"I know," Dom said. "We could call up Christopher Lee and mispronounce things."
"I LOVE it," Orli said, laughing.
Elijah nodded, "'Christopher, why does Professor Tull-kyin kill Gaen-duhlf with the Beal-rawg?'"
Orli nodded, still laughing. "He'd kill us! Let's do it!"
"Bad plan," said Billy. "He'll NEVER get off the phone."
"Good point," Orli said. "My mobile's not completely charged -- no doubt he'd drain it all."
"Then we'll think of someone else," Elijah said.
Dom nodded. "There's always Ian."
"Ooh, yes!" Orli said, bouncing up and down with excitement. "We could repeat 'Fool of a Took' a dozen times and then hang up!"
Dom turned to face his friend. "And then the old lion would reach through the phone and swat down the young cub."
"That's true," Elijah said. "He'd KNOW it was us."
"Besides," Billy said, "I HATE that line. Having Ian bark it at me take after take traumatized me for life."
"Don't worry," said Orlando, patting Billy on the shoulder again. "He was yelling at Pippin, not you. Ian still loves you."
Dom shook his head. "Billy's not his type -- Ian goes for the tall, buff ones."
Billy puffed out his chest. "I'm buff! I think Ian would date me."
Elijah laughed. "I thought you loved GIRLS."
"Yeah," Orli teased. "Do I need to jump out and go tell those girls I was mistaken?"
"NO!" all three yelled in unison as both Dom and Elijah grabbed Orli before he could bolt again.
"I'm not saying I WANT to date Ian," Billy explained. "I'm just saying that I COULD if I wanted to."
Elijah smiled. "So now you're defending your OWN honour, right?"
"Exactly," Billy said, nodding.
"Enough about Ian," Orlando said impatiently, holding up his phone. "Let's think of someone to call."
"Well," Dom said, "we could always call...Viggo."
But Orli missed the taunting in his voice. "Actually, I'm not sure where he's at just now. I can't remember when he was gonna start on his next project."
Dom gasped melodramatically. "You don't know where he is?"
Elijah clasped his hands and batted his eyelashes again. "Oh, Viggo, Viggo, wherefore art thou Viggo?"
The boys dissolved in hysterical laughter as Orli smiled and nodded. "That was a good one, 'Lij."
Dom was holding his side as he gasped for breath between laughs. "I...I...I can't breathe."
Billy nodded and wiped the tears from his eyes. "I can't see."
"Not good for a driver," Elijah pointed out. But none of them could stop laughing.
Finally, a cellphone ring cut through the hysteria.
"Ooh," Billy said, wiping his eyes again as he recognized the ring. "That's mine."
Dom opened the glove box and pulled it out, the laughter finally abating. "What the hell IS this?" Dom asked, looking at the antiquated phone.
"Hit that," Billy said, pointing to an orange button.
Dom followed his direction, answering in his most butler-like voice, "Billy's phone." When he heard nothing, he asked, "Hello?" When there was still no answer, Dom said, "There's no one. How do I hang up?"
"Press that button again."
Dom did and then carefully placed it back in the glove box. "You need a new phone, man -- you don't even have caller ID."
But as soon as the glove box was closed, the ringing came again. Dom frantically opened the glove box back up, grabbed the phone, and said, "Hello?"
Again there was no answer.
"Maybe it's a wrong number," Elijah suggested
"Maybe," Dom said skeptically, warily putting the phone away again. But as soon as the glove box was shut again, the ringing began again. Dom grabbed for it, asked, "What do you want?!"
But this time he could hear distant laughing.
"Orlando!" Dom yelled, wheeling around to his friend and reaching back to grab the phone away from him.
Orli willingly gave it up. "That killed a few minutes. NOW who should we call."
"Your mother," Billy suggested.
"Yeah," Dom agreed, "and we can tell her was a rotty bastard you are."
"Oh, she already knows," Orli smiled, still amazed that his topic-changing tactic had worked.
Elijah was thinking. "Who else in the cast might be around?"
An evil smile came over Dom, and he looked to Billy. "We could always call--"
"No!" Billy cut him off.
But Dom was not deterred. "But we could--"
"No!"
"What?" Elijah asked, eager to understand this exchange. "Who could we call?"
Billy glared at his friend in the passenger seat. "Dom thinks we should call and torture Sean."
"That's so mean," Orli said, laughing. "Sean's a great guy."
"Sean's a stick-in-the-mud," Dom corrected. "And if he knew HALF the things you've done today, he'd give you the scolding of your life."
Elijah nodded. "He is a bit safety-conscious."
"Safety-conscious?! He won't even RIDE in a convertible."
Billy nodded. "He calls them 'death traps'."
"I LIKE deathtraps," Orli said.
Elijah laughed. "Of course you do."
"There's no denying Sean's a wanker," Billy said, glancing at Dom, "but we still shouldn't torture him. He is the way he is -- he can't help it."
Elijah nodded. "He can't help it any more than Orli can help being a spaz."
"Hey!" Orli protested. "I'm not a spaz!
"You jumped out of a car into traffic, man," Dom pointed out.
"The car was STOPPED," Orlando said. "And if YOU hadn't kissed Billy, I wouldn't've had to go explain things to those girls."
"Those CUTE girls," Billy added for emphasis.
Dom nodded. "Those cute girls that are now PASSING us because they know better than to stay in a lane that's not moving."
Billy turned to look as the girls drove past.
Billy sighed. "Well, at least they waved."
***
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